i was having this itchiness to write again. so yeah, another short story. enjoy! =p
(this story is not a real story, hanya reka cerita!)
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They said, we will be resurrected after our death. i keep thinking about this since I have a brain to think, which is when I was 6. How come a dead people can wake up again, and talk to God? I was wondering. But my teacher said, its not good to wonder aimlessly about something that even if you have answer, it wont change anything. It wont benefit you, neither does it can harm you. So I let it go. But now, I saw with my own eyes, my beloved cat, Titin, got struck by a big lorry, in a matter of second, its completely gone, except pieces of its meat remaining on the street. It was running toward me, trying to keeping pace with me. I didn’t know it was following me. had I known it, I wont cross the street where cars are passing by with 80km/h speed, which can turn a beautiful, white and fat cat into pieces of nothing. It was nightmare. I spent the rest of the night in sweat and shriek when it came back again in my dream becoming so big and it claim my life for its death. it blame me for that accident. I woke up and cried. Adam tried his best to calm me from the awful nightmare. I cried on his shoulder. Until I remember that he got a flight early morning to catch tomorrow, so I said I am okay and he need to rest.
I went to the kitchen to fix myself a glass of coffee. In this state of active mind, there is no way I am going back to sleep just to be waken up again by that nightmare. I decided to complete the last painting I was working on last night. I glance at my watch, it was 3.30 a.m. in another 2 hours, I will need to wake Adam so he can get ready for his flight this early morning at 7.30 to London. He said he has a talk that he need to give to bunch of students in University College London. he did asked me if I want to tag along, just to have some shopping or sightseeing. I told him I am sick of London and its coldness. He just laugh it off. I know he’s hoping so I can tag him along since hes going there for about 1 month. Our relationship is not really in ‘green area’ this lately. since the last time I had a miscarriage, everything is just falling apart between the two of us. We rarely talk to each other. Its like 2 stranger sharing the same house. I am in a great depression, and he’s just so busy with his work and who-know-what-he-doing outside there.
After the miscarriage, I refused to resume my life and spent the whole day and night watching TV, crying, and painting useless things. This went on for 2 weeks. I lost about 5 kg since I lose appetite to eat and keep vomiting when I see the sight of food. Adam was so sympathetic and understanding. He knows I need some space and time. Sometimes he cooked dinner for me, sometimes he brought it from restaurant. he cleaned the dishes, sweep the house, make the bed and did the housework dutifully. I was grateful to have him in the house, yet I do not feel like I want to communicate with him at all. Now its been about 2 month. I have resumed my daily activities, but our relationship becoming worse from day to day. Maybe he going to London for one month will be a good time for us to do some reflection, or maybe it will give some time for me to do some reflection about why am I acting like that. There is absolutely nothing wrong with Adam, its just me, really.
It was about 5 month ago, I was on my way in the office to go to an art museum to arrange exhibition for our company when I lose my consciousness and start feeling nausea all the time. I didn’t waste any second to rush to clinic, since I was hoping so much to get myself pregnant since the last 2 years but to no avail, until now. I was tired of living only the two of us in that big condominium. Its just too silent, and lonely. Adam always at work, and I, spending nearly all day after office time painting. I find joy in painting. More or less, its just the way how I kill the time. when I was painting, I become too absorbed with everything, every single line, brush, dot, and mark. It gives me a lot of satisfaction to focus on very small details like that. That particular day, when the doctor told me I got a positive test, it was one of the most memorable day ever. We spent that night going to dinner to celebrate our future with our future kids. Adam has always wanted a lot of kids in the family, since he said, the more the merrier. but me, even one is more than enough. A daughter who I can teach her about the art of painting after she come back to school. Maybe I can teach her sewing as well. i will sew for her a dozen of dolls and its beautfiul tiny dresses so she can play with it everyday. How lovely.
At the first weekend after the good news, Adam said he wants to throw a celebration party. So he called bunch of his friends, and also some of my friends in office. It was on Sunday. Our house become so brightful with colorful balloons, ribbons, foods, drinks, snacks, sweets and presents for the guest. It was flooded with people. I know, we were kind of exaggerating about everything. Its just, we were hoping so much to get a baby, and when it becomes real, the happiness that we felt deep inside is going to explode unless we distribute it to our family and friends. My sister, Tina brought with her 6 of her children to the party. We cut cakes, play some chair games, deck games, karaoke and Xboxing for the whole Sunday. It was so fun and exciting. The house was left in a terrible mess, but its not big deal compared to the happiness we all shared together.
During the third month of pregnancy, I started to urge Adam to start decorating for our new baby room. We had some argument about what color should we paint the wall of the room, and lastly Adam settled down with my color, which is light blue. He said, I am the one who’s going to carry the baby for 9 month, so I get to choose the color and everything about the baby’s room. I still haven’t know about the gender of the baby, but still I paint the wall blue. The new crib that I bought is solid black color, but it is convertible to become a day bed. I lay a pink mattress inside to add some girlish touch if the baby happen to be a girl. We also bought a new changing tables, dressers to fit in all her clothes, a small dark brown bookcases so I can put collection of books im going to read for her at night before she sleep, and also lots of toys. Adam was a bit shock about how much ive spent for everything, but didn’t make any further comment about that. After all, its our first new baby.
During the fourth month, we were having difficulty finding the name for the baby. Adam wants to name Aisyah if shes a girl, and Danial if hes a boy. I prefer it to be either Natasha or Faris. So we keep arguing for 3 days. It was kind of funny for us to fight about some trivial things like that. Adam really like her daughter to be name as Aisyah, since he said, it’s a name of Prophet beloved wife. He wants his daughter to be great women just like that. I said he is thinking too much. Even if its Natasha, she still can be as great as that. We even consult our parent which one is better name. of course, being my mum, she will definitely choose Aisyah since she said Natasha is a bit of modern name and she doesn’t know any one of Prophet’s sahabiyyat with that kind of name. Lastly, I give up since its not a big deal. Aisyah and Danial sounds okay.
Suddenly Adam whisper to me good morning, waking me up from my ‘morning-dreaming’. He asked whether I still have that terrible nightmare. I said I didn’t go to sleep at all. At promptly 5.30, I sent him off to KLIA for his international flight. At that departure gate, he said to me to take care of myself, that he will call as soon as he arrived there, and he will miss me. I just give him a smile. I watch his expression of sadness, distant and emptiness. Maybe he also think it is a good thing that we got one month to have time for our own and recollect back our strength and spirit. After sending Adam off, I went to near coffee shop to have breakfast. That is when I accidentally met Hani, my old friend back in university 5 years ago. She was my best friend. But I haven’t met her for so long since she decided to stay in Nottingham after her study while I head back to Malaysia. She invited me to her parent house tonight because there will be a Majlis for her coming back to Malaysia for good. Initially I refuse to come since its like a family thing, but she said I am also part of her family and she wants to catch up story with me. so I said, I will come.
At her house that night, there are lots of people flooded the house with fancy and expensive dress. Hani comes from Tengku family. her family is so rich and got this royal blood thingy. There are lines of expensive cars in the front porch of the house. The imam read Doa selawat, and zikir and yasin, and so do i. after that, the guest head to the back of the mansion house for dinner party. I was talking to Hani about her experience back in Nottingham when suddenly someone pat me on my back. It was my old friend in university, again. Of course, what should I expect. Hani is a very popular girl in university, she must have invited all our friends in batch to this welcoming party. It was Zed whos greeting me. he was so surprised to meet me here, since he has lost contact with me since our last graduation day. Actually, to be honest, he was very close with me back 7 years ago. Well, first, we were in same batch, same university, same course, having same passion and alls. We were so close at one time that we can share all stories and problem with each other. So yeah, its just perfect match. We exchange some good story about life, work, social life, family and everything. Zed is not yet married, which is not really surprising since he is known for his ultimate dedication to work. He said he is going to Africa next week and ask if I would like to join him go there doing some volunteer work for poor people. I said I do not want to go since I have work to think of. He said I cant take a leave, and view this as some kind of holiday and break from hectic life. He is very aware that I am in a bit of distress just by looking at my face. Im amazed how good of him at reading my expression eventhough I didn’t tell him anything. maybe its because we have been good friend since high school and share so much things that hes so adapt with the way i think.
It was the second week after Adam went to London. he made that effort to call me every night, asking about my health, life and so on. He also told me how everything is at London, the weather, the people, and also his new groundbreaking discovery about vaccination or whatsoever. I didn’t show any interest in the conversation, so he skipped the call to once every 2 night, and the gap becomes larger. Now he hasn’t called me for 5 days. i don’t know why but I have lost interest about what happen in his life. That vaccination, bacteria, and virus thing he is working on, where it once fascinated me so much that left a gap in my mouth from amusement. now, its just a bunch of junk news that the last thing I want to hear about before I finish my day. That night, I was watching television when my phone ring. I know it must be Adam, no one else. I let the phone ring for a while, and then I pick it up.
‘sweetheart, how are you?’ that excited and eager voice that has been coloring my life for so long, until now.
‘good..what about you?’
‘im great. I bought you a new dress today. Since my coworkers asked me to go accompany her shopping at Debenhams, your favorite shopping place. I hope you will like it. Do you want me to send you the picture?’
‘nah not necessary. But thank you. Adam, im sorry but im so tired. Can we talk later?’
‘why? I miss you so much. It hasn’t been even 5 minute and you want to hang up. Whats happening?’
‘im just tired, Adam. Just don’t push it okay?’
he hanged up. I stare at the phone long and fall asleep.
The next day, I was late to go to office since I forgot to set my alarm. I supposed to have a meeting at 9 in the office where I will be presenting my ideas in slides for our new upcoming project. I blame myself for being so emotional last night after the conversation with Adam. And yes, I blame Adam for even calling me when I said I do not want to talk to him. Now its already 8.45, and it took about 25 minutes to reach the office from my house. I drove my car a bit fast than usual. That’s when suddenly I hit the car in front of me during the morning traffick. The driver in front came out from his car. Oh no, not at this time. I sighed hopelessly.
‘that is a big of wreck you have done at my car you bitch!’ the driver yelled at me and smack my window. Geeze, why do he need to be so aggressive. I stepped out of my car and told him to calm down. As soon as the problem settled, it was already 9.40 when I reached my office. My boss was very unhappy at my late coming eventhough I have explained him thousand times that its because I got into accident. He just wont hear me. he said, im dismiss from the upcoming project due to my lack of discipline for time. I was frustrated. I spent 20 minutes in my office just staring at the clock. I was such in a lot of stress. I need to pay about 20k for that idiot BMW car, and also another 5k to repair my own car. Im not lucky today. I wanted to cry. Im just so tired of living this life everyday, being nag by my own boss, working until 8 pm but still not enough to impress my boss. My coworkers keep sending me bunch of extra works to do. And my own miscarriage and my problem with my husband. Suddenly I got a text message. Oh please la Adam, not at this hour. Then I glanced at my phone and for the first time I smiled in that day. It was Zed, asking me whether im still up for that African trip for the volunteer work thing. so I replied, ‘why not’.
-to be continued
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