Heaven, Could You Spare My Love?

Heaven, Could You Spare My Love? Part 1

‘mel! Don’t do that to animal!’ I grabbed his hand and pushed him aside. Syamil was kicking the cat because it was pestering around him and he just lost his temper. Syamil is cute little boy, wearing a smart pressed shirt, going to his school on fine day.  It was his first day going to elementary school. He is just 6 years old, but since I send him to an international school, so the first class started when they are 6 years old. We were having breakfast in a ‘kedai mamak’ near Ampang Park.

‘I hate cat. They are so ugly, and keep pestering around me.’  Syamil expressed his frustration with those beautiful innocent creatures. I just let out a sigh. How come my son, my beloved son can say something like that to animal that prophet Muhammad s.a.w himself love.

‘Well you should stop hate them. Rasulluah loves cat during his life. So you should follow whatever he loves okay?’

‘Alright.’ he said with a boring tone and made that sullen face.

‘Come on, don’t make that face, and give me a smile can you?’

He eventually smiled. I kissed his cheek and said, ‘now shall we?’ and off we head to the school.

Syamil is such a neat boy. A lot of his traits really imitate his late father, Adam. Although it’s already about 5 years when Adam left them just two of them in this world, I still miss him a lot. I know that it is never good to grieve over someone for such a long period of time. But I just can’t stop myself. 

The day I first met him, it was so such a beautiful day, the day that I will never forget. It was during my last year in high school. I was a new student there. That morning, I was late on my first day school, as typical me. I would never come early to school no matter what event it is being held there. School is just too boring for people like me who have such a high-pace life. And when I arrived in front of the gate, its already closed. I run toward the gate, and trying to coax the gatekeeper for that day.

‘Please. Have a pity on me. This is the first day of school, for god sake, why would you stress yourself out like this?’ I told him.

‘Me? Stressing out myself? Believe me. It is far from that word stress. You are late, so you must be responsible for your behavior.’

‘Yes, because its first day of school, I haven’t really adapt myself of getting up so early in the morning on Monday!’

‘Sorry, I am just doing my job. This is what teacher told me to do, to close the gate at promptly 8.30 o’clock’

‘ I am a new student! You’ve got to be kidding right?’

‘No wonder I have never seen you before.’

‘Yes. I am going to 5 Orchid class. What class are you anyway?’

‘You think this is a chat time?’

‘Oh come on. Just a brief chit chat wont hurt your job MR!’

He was smiling. ‘Well, then I am in 5 Olive class. Is that satisfy you?’

‘Yes it does.’

That was the first time I met him. But I wasn’t in love with him, not until about 2 years later. I know, it’s so not like that drama thingy. I was his friend for such a long time. Until I realize, he was so understanding about everything, and it’s so hard for me to lose someone like that. It will be such a great loss for me and handicapped my life, a little.

We got married about 10 years after the first day we met with each other. It wasn’t an easy journey. There were lots of troubles and problems we need to go through before getting to that point of marriage. It’s because of lot of things. His family and my family just don’t fit together. His father was in a lot of argument with my father. There are just too many conflicts between our family. So we have to wait until everything calms down and wait for that perfect timing. But after 4 years of waiting, that perfect timing is still not coming yet. So when I was already 26, we decided that we don’t want to wait anymore. Yes, his family was so mad with that news. They don’t like it. They hate it. I spent about 5 month buying them lots of presents, coming to their house with my homemade cakes, bring his mom to shopping and all. Until that day, on December of my 26^th birthday, he sent me sms, telling me that his mother already said yes about our wedding. And that day, that moment, that feeling I felt at that time, I will never forget for the rest of my life until God took away my life. That is my promise.

Sometimes, I think, God just doesn’t like it we being together. You know, the fact that we have to wait for 10 years to actually get at this point of getting together officially, and lawfully in accordance to Islamic law. It’s just so ridiculously hard. I remember I always envy my friend who posted lots of their wedding pictures with their loved one during second year of their study, it looks so simple. They fall in love, tell their parents, and off they got married. But him, and me it wasn’t something like that. It was far from simple.

So that is why I think God doesn’t really like it we being together. Maybe, He actually has someone else written for me in that book of LauhulMahfuz. But since I kept praying to Him, so He eventually granted my wish.

I remember perfectly in my eyes, the day when he sit in front of the Imam, and when the Imam said, ‘Sah’, when I was officially becoming his wife, his partner in this world and also in the Hereafter, I was crying relentlessly until all my mascara and eyeliner fall apart. I was so happy that I couldn’t even describe it with words. I was crying like crazy that people around me need to calm me down and bring box of tissue to wipe out the ruined make up. I was so incredibly happy I thought it was just a dream. I went to the bathroom after that, just to slap myself in the face, and leap in joy when I felt the stinging pain. I was officially his wife. I was, Ahmad Adam bin Faridz wife! I wasn’t in a dream anymore.

It was the beginning of new episode of my life as a wife to him. It wasn’t really hard to impress him, really. He was just wonderful in every aspect. I feel like I was living in a heaven. I told him that I don’t believe this is actually real. To convince me that we are actually together now, he tells me that sacred word of ‘I love you’ every morning we I woke up from bed. I do think I am actually living in a heaven. There are times, when we just sit there for 2-3 hours, staring at each other, where I told him that I will take care of him in sick and health, in sad and happiness, and in any condition, that we will stay together like this until our old days, until death rips us apart, and be reunited again at heaven together. It was our promises that we will hold to each other strongly.

After 2 month of our marriage, I got the good news that I was pregnant. I still haven’t woke up from my dream yet. I do still think that this is a dream. I am actually having a family with someone I love so much. My love for him is so high like a mountain, so wide like the ocean, so deep to the crust of the earth, so strong and solid like steel. And now we are blessed with this little creature in my tummy. At first, I wasn’t really ready for that next step. I want to enjoy my life with him, just the two of us for couple more time. But he convinced me that a child would bring nothing except more happiness and blessing to our marriage. His words had never failed to convince me. So we named our first child, Syamil.

One month after I gave birth to our first child, Adam had his first symptom. He felt numb at his hand every morning. At first, it wasn’t really affecting his life. But then, his hand started to twinge a lot at that night. When that started to happen, I started to google all those medical stuff, and I cried for the whole night afraid to face the next day. Adam was a lot calmer than anyone I’ve ever seen in this world. He once told me before we get married, not to love someone so much because what if death comes? I told him to stop talking nonsense. But now, I am just scared to death. I fell asleep in the embrace of his strong hand that night.

The next day, I left Syamil with my sister who was kind enough to take a day off and take care of the little baby. We went to hospital Ampang Puteri to meet the doctor. He ordered CT scan and MRI. It was painful to see him, lying under that big machine, with such a pale face. We were waiting for the doctor to come with the result at the doctor’s room. He first knocked the door twice. I see his face, and I can totally expect what he wanted to say. My eyes already soaked with tears. I said, no, no, no. He told me to calm down as haven’t tell as the result. But any kindergarten child would know the result just by seeing the doctor face.

‘Yes, there was a tumor. No, a lot of tumor in his brain.’

That line, was like, a bang in my head. Its like someone, a Thorr maybe, knocked off my head with his big hammer. I fall on the floor and cried. Adam had to calm me down for 2 hours. We hug each other for so long I don’t even realize that the time still ticking or not.

The whole 3-month after that was a nightmare. I brought him to German to have chemotherapy. He got a seizure there, nearly everyday, that the doctor advised us to stop the treatment because it will bring more harm to him. I called some of my friends who studying in London if there are any new treatment for cancer. We tried everything, every single available drug in the market, and also drug on trial. Adam was actually living in a temporary hell. I pity him a lot. But I have promised him, that I will take care of him no matter what, that I will find the cure to his cancer. He told me, not to set my hope to high, not to focus too much on the cure, but focus on my preparation for our upcoming separation. A temporary separation. I lost temper when he said something like that. I will scold him, and not talk to him for the whole day when he says something about a ‘departure’. I barge out of the room to somewhere that he can’t hear me, and I cried until my eyes bleed.

Every single second, I just want to be with him, because every second is so important it can be the last second I see him alive. I don’t want him to see me cry at night, at daylight, after breastfeeding my baby, after eat, before eat, during prayer. I don’t want him to see me cry. I appear so happy in front of him because I want him to be very positive about this. I read somewhere, I positive patient will have more prospect to have a remedy, and to fight their cancer. The doctor in the hospital said, it’s a death sentence for him. I scold him, telling him what kind of doctor tell their patient like that, and we never see that doctor anymore.

The chemotherapy that Adam needs to go twice a week was also, another stage of hell for him. He vomit and cough and cough again and again until all his immune system started to absorb all the energy in his body and when there isn’t any energy left available, he was left handicapped, not even able to walk, or talk, or laugh, or anything. Just lying there on the bed, for the whole day. I need to resign for my job to take care of him, and also my baby. Actually, it was my mum who took care of the baby because I cannot even look at the baby when all my attention was for Adam.

It was about 2 weeks when Adam had totally become so ill that he couldn’t do anything except breathing. He was unconscious most of the time. I made sure that there is Yassin played on the radio at all time, so that it eases his journey to the next world. I know, its not going to be long. Sometimes, at the middle of 3 am in the morning, he was awake and conscious, trying to tell me that how much he loves me, and that ‘he is going now’. I told him I love him as well, that he must wait me in the heaven, and we will meet again in heaven, with our child and we will continue our life together, that I will miss him so much. I begged him not to leave me alone in this world, that I can never live without him. He said, he would never leave me, but this is Allah’s fate, and we as a Muslim need to accept that. Because Allah is God and we are just human being He told me to be a good mum, to raise our child to be a good Muslim, teach him how to make prayer, teach him how to be a gentleman, teach him how to read Quran and to tell him about his father.

It was during Maghrib. My brother was reciting Azan in his ears, twice. Then, they all performed Maghrib prayer while I stay beside him while they pray. Suddenly, the blood pressure dropped. He grabbed my hand so tight. I whisper in his ear syahadah. He follows it so silently and so weak that I can barely hear, and suddenly the grip of his hand fall apart. I fall down on my knee and wailed like crazy, like the earth no longer exist.

That night, I remember making prayer to God to take me as well, so I can accompany him in heaven. I remember I was so angry to God for taking him so early that I don’t even know what is his favorite color yet. Its only 2 month we lived together, and then there’s the baby, and his tumor. 2 month after 10 years of waiting! You might think that we had known every detail about each other during those 10 years of friend. But no. When I said, 10 years of waiting, it was just waiting. Adam was such a great and patience man. He knew that if we wanted to have a blessed happy family together, it must start with a blessing from God. We did not text each other during all those years. Except for certain circumstances. So, the only time when I get to ask him what is his hobby was after our marriage. I remember that night I was screaming so loud, hoping that the louder I scream, the more of it will reach Him. I wanted to be dead as well! But suddenly, I remember he told me to take care of our son, to teach him about Islam, to raise him to be a good Muslim, to tell him that he got such a wonderful father. That he is the sign of our love, the remembrance that he was once my husband, he was once exists in this world. I cried for the whole night. They don’t even let me go to the grave the next day to send him off for the last goodbye even though I begged them to let me go.

Sometimes I thought, maybe it was my fault that he died so early in his life. Maybe I loved him too much that it somehow exceeds my love to God. Adam always warns me about that. He said that we must love Allah above of everything. I do. I love Allah more. But sometimes, maybe I love him a bit of extravagantly that God actually got mad about it. It was my fault. I blamed myself for the whole month until my friends and family started to get worry about me. They convinced me that his death was not my fault; it’s a fate, that Allah loves him more than anybody else. He was such a great man, and he would want me to lead a happy life, not a life full of misery like this.

Heaven, Could You Spare My Love? Part 2

One year after his death, eventually I slowly started to gain confident with myself again. That was when Harith came to ask for my marriage. It was so hard for me to make decision at that time. I felt like I was replacing Adam in my heart, that I was starting to forget him that he will eventually fade in my memory. My mum told me, that I must start a new life and stop grieving over dead people. It’s been 1 year and I have to move on now. Plus Harith is also a great man. He will take care of me, and bring lots of happiness in my life. So at last, I eventually agreed. It wasn’t easy to letting go a person we had loved so much that it hurts. It hurts, yes it does. But I have to start accepting the fate that he is gone, he is no longer on this earth, he does not exist anymore in this earth. I wrote a letter, hoping that Allah will show the letter to Adam somewhere in his grave, telling him that I am sorry, that even though I am getting married, I promise that I wont forget about him, that our memory will always be in my heart, my mind, and my life.

With Harith, I was blessed with one son and one beautiful daughter. Harith is a lawyer, so he spends lots of his time in the courtroom. But he is a good husband and he never failed to make me feel so loved, secured and he takes care of the family as well. But I always compare him with Adam, and wrote in my diary about how different the way he talks, the way he handle everything in our life.  Harith is so much different with Adam. I don’t know how Adam would handle kids, but I am sure he wont do anything like what Harith did. Because Harith is a lawyer, so some of his court-life attitude he brings it into the house. It can be reflected at how discipline Hannah and Syahid with everything, their room, their kindergarten homework always set at time, and they always follow the schedule that Harith made for them. I told Harith not to make any schedule for Syamil. I don’t want him to feel so restricted like that. Sometimes, at night after dinner, when Hannah and Syahid is in the study room with their father because its not a TV time, Syamil will be in the living room watching TV until late night.  

Harith is aware that I pay more attention to my son; Syamil compared to our children together, Hanna and Syahid. I only read book at night to Syamil, and never to any of them. This has always been the center of our argument this lately. Harith is angry that I show too much of bias between them. It was too obvious, that our children got hurt because of what I did. Hanna once asked me, what has she done wrong that I seem to abandoned her like that. She is just a 5 years old cute girl.

Every night, I always go to Syamil’s bed and tell him how great his late father was and how he needs to be a great man so he will be so proud of him. I told him a lot about his character, and even show him lots of pictures of him to Syamil. At first, when he was still 2 years old, he showed lots of excitement and seems to be so proud of his late father. But now, he just gets bored with all that.

Someone knocked on my car mirror. It was Harith.

‘What are you doing in there?’

‘Just listening to radio, why?’

‘You said you going to send Hanna to her kindergarten this morning, now its already 9.45 in the morning! For god sake, Sarah!’

‘I forgot okay! Pls la.’ I dismissed him and went inside the house. He grabbed my hand.

‘I’m getting tired of all this, how you treat our children like they are some strangers, a burden to you! How could you Sarah? They are our children! Show them some love! I don’t have to show you how to do that kan?’ Harith being sarcastic again. I’m so tired of arguing with him all the time.

‘Drop it Harith. I’m late for work.’

‘So who’s sending Hannah then?’

‘I don’t know. You figure that out!’

‘I know it will be like this. U said you will change! I’m tired of living this life, like they have no mother at all! I care Syamil like he is my own son even though he’s not. But Hannah and syahid is your biological son! Stop doing this! This hurt them so much!’

‘im going to work now.’

‘I am going to divorce you…Sarah. If you step out of this house. One step, Sarah.’

I stare at his eyes to see if he is telling the truth or not.

‘Try me, harith.’ I went out of the house without hesitation.

‘I divorce you talak 1, Sarah binti Ghazali.’

I looked back at him with so much surprise. I cannot believe he actually say that. I saw tears in his eyes. I just don’t know what I have to do now. I walked to the car and sped off to my office.

Heaven, Could You Spare Me My Love? Part 3 last part

‘what?!! You guys got divorced?! You got to be kidding me Sarah!’ Gina exclaimed in frustration. She has always scolded me about me being so bias with the kids. But I just can’t help it. I love Syamil more than Hannah and Syahid. It’s the truth that I cannot hide. So what can I do about it?

‘Yes, I cannot believe we got divorced because of the kids. Its not really big matter kan?’ I told her in my defense.

‘You kidding me again right? It’s a big matter! It shows that you cannot be a good mother to your own children! And I know the way you talk to Harith, you have never loved him anyway kan? He is your husband Sarah! You have to start accepting that fact. Adam is gone! You must remind yourself everyday. If you keep thinking about him, you are not going anywhere in this world. HE IS GONE! Its already 6 years, get over it!’.

There was a tear in my eyes, again. I always can’t help it if a person reminding me that Adam is not in this world anymore. If there is a genie in the bottle somewhere in this earth, I would travel across the ocean, cross the mountain west to the north to east to find that genie to bring back him to life, to reverse the time, or anything. But I know, it’s a waste of time.

‘You know, if you keep grieving like this, Adam wont be in peace. He will be in torture. Stop this Sarah. Love is a present from Allah. Do you realize it? Now Allah doesn’t bless your marriage until you let go of Adam. Until then only you can start to really see Harith as he is, not Harith compared to Adam, not Adam’s son or Harith’s son. Just throw away everything whatever you got between you and Adam. This is your future! ‘

I started to reanalyze what she said to me.

The next day, at noon, when I know that Harith is off to work, I came back to the house and get a box under the bed in our bedroom. In that box, everything Adam gave to me I kept it in there. All the love cards, presents, and our wedding ring, and my diary. I know Harith been reading this diary. He is so jealous that I didn’t care for him like how I cared for Adam so much.

‘Why cant you love me like you love him? It’s been 3 years of our marriage. I thought you will eventually get over it…’ Harith once express his feeling about everything.

‘I told you before we got married, that I love Adam right? You said its alright and you will understand.’’

‘Yes. That is because I thought I could take that place after 2-3 years. Because I am your husband now, not him.’

‘No, you cant. I only love him, always and forever. Not you.’

My handphone ringtone cut off my flash back. It was Gina who is waiting in the car. She told me to hurry up.

It has been 2 weeks since the day Harith divorced me. Since our divorce, I took Syamil with me and left Hannah and Syahid with their father. I know I have done so much damage to this family, and hurt my children, all 3 of them. Syamil seems to be so quiet lately. One night, I was going to read him a storybook before he sleeps as usual.

‘Hi syamil, how was your school today love?’

‘Its great.’

‘Anything interesting happen?’

‘No.’

‘ Do you know, your late father, he always…’

‘Stop it mum. I don’t want to hear anything about my late father anymore. I love daddy more than that late father okay? I want to go home!’

I was so pissed off with what he just said that I automatically slapped him in his face. ‘How could u say that? Daddy is not your real dad!!!’

‘I hate you. Go away!’ he screamed so loud that it hurts my ears.

I sit there in the dark, thinking about what is happening with my life. This little boy, someone I love so much in this earth, the only person that is left of Adam, hating me so much, that I have again, destroy his happiness. What is happening with my life?

When Adam and I were friends before in high school, he always tell me, to do good things to people, to always spread happiness, and stay away from something that Allah does not like. He said, we are on this earth to find His blessing, and nothing more.

I wonder, if Adam was here, what would he wants me to do. But no, I cannot rely on Adam anymore! He is gone, Sarah! He cannot help you. He cannot even talk to you anymore! Stop acting like a crazy freak talking to dead people! You have to get over it or you will destroy those bit of happiness left in here!

Move forward. See the future. I am sure Allah wants me to focus on my current life also, instead of reminiscing over the past, that 2 month I’ve had with Adam. 2 months! Oh Adam, how much I miss you. How much I wish to be with you.

Gina knocked the door. I told her about how Syamil hated me and cried over the phone. She promised she will come to console me. I hugged her and cried.

‘I missed him. I missed Adam again Gina!! I can’t get over it! Help me…’ I cried at her shoulder. This tears, this eyes that has been crying so much because of him, because of Adam.

‘Sarah, love, its okay to miss over someone we love. But he is no longer on this earth. You have to erase him in your life. Insha’Allah, you guys will be meeting again in heaven. You will! Have trust in Allah okay? But how can you go to heaven if you acting like that to your own husband, your own children. They are your family. Heaven for women is at their husband blessing. And now your husband is Harith, not Adam. When Adam died 5 years ago, you are widowed! Without a husband. Now your husband is Harith! He is the key for you to go to heaven, Sarah. You must remember that!’

For once in a lifetime, I eventually see the reality, the picture of what is actually happening in my life. I’ve done so much sin to my own husband. I have even told him that I love Adam and I do not love him. How much I have hurt him with my words. Maybe that name Harith is actually written in the first place in Lauhul Mahfuz for me. But since I made lots of prayer, God give me a brief time with Adam for a while and get me back together with Harith. I have wasted Harith’s life. I made a promise to myself that I won’t look back at the past again.

That night was the last day that name of Adam will be in my life. I made that effort to burn all his cards, his gifts and even that diary of me writing everything about how we first met together until the last breath of his life. It was so hard to do it. But I have to do it so that I can meet with him again in heaven. I swear that this is the last time I will mention about Adam. He is gone, yes.

The next day, I went to my house, with Syamil. I have promised Syamil that we will go back to our house with Hannah and Syahid and daddy. I don’t know whether Harith will accept me back again, to be with him, to share our life together, to share our grieve, sad, happiness, to be with him during sick and health. But going back there with Syamil, I know I have let my past go, and ready to start a new life. The rest of it just leave it to Allah.