Does The Love Comes and Go or It Just Stay There?

In our history taking first year, whether it is respiratory, cardiovascular, or urinary history taking, we must always ask the patient when they have a pain in chest or somewhere in the body, we need to ask them these list of things:

1)when the pain first started to come?

2)does the pain comes and go or it just stay there?

3)how long the pain last for?

and now i wonder if i can actually change the word 'pain', to 'love'.

1)when the love first started to come?

2)does the love comes and go or it just stay there?

3)how long does the love last for?

lots of people think that marriage is about getting a lovely bridal gown, havoc wedding days with lots of fresh flowers, having lots of people coming with colorful clothes, lovely foods and the awaiting honeymoon.

but how many of them really know what is actually lying ahead of the wedding day? yes, something big, bigger than what you can imagine.

marriage means, to find a partner who can synchronize with you in time of desperation, happiness, loss, exasperation, and basically, everything. you can understand them, know why they are acting in certain way, and most important thing is, you are willing to sacrifice for them and tolerate them for the rest of the whole of your life. WHOLE OF YOUR LIFE. not just 1 term, 1 year, or 5 years, or 20 years, but the whole years. 70 years? 50? 30? i dont know.

it is about taking care of him when he is sick to his death, not able to move his body but you are there to give him support, feed him, take good care of him with all the sincere smiles instead of complaints. 

it is about remaining silent when he would love to go to this place when you feel sick to your death at the sight of it.

it is about compromising with him, when he decided to do something that you dont really like.

and yes, it is about sacrifice.

refusing to do so result in so many case of divorce. just look around you, how many women need to survive alone after the unsuccessful marriage even when the marriage are completely because of pure love at the first place.

love is like the trees full of leaves during summer. first, relationship is blessed with lots of leaves. but when autumn arrives, the harsh weather trying to reap off the leaves from the trees, separating it from its branches, only few remains. and the question is, how many of those leaves remaining when it all ends? and do those leaves remaining are strong enough to keep the tree alive, blessed and healthy again?

love is not a simple thing. it can comes and go, or it can just stay there. but seldom it stay there when the harshness of life keep trying to reap you apart. when love starting to fade, i think it is a good idea to reminisce about all those good times you guys have had together when the love blossoms at its top.

Welcome to My House!

ok i know, the topic sounds so catchy, but no, actually its just my dream house! WAHAHA. i dont think i can afford all this. even if i do, maybe i would want to donate it to the needy first. but nevertheless, maybe i can make a portfolio or something and show it to God i want something like this in HEAVEN! HAHA! okay now enjoy my house!

1)bedroom

2)kitchen. i like a spacious, very very spacious kitchen since i know im going to have LOTS of kitchen appliances since im an AVID EATER! wahaha. but this cabinet is superbly amazing! but neverthelss, i dont really like the dining table. only the kitchen cabinet okay? oh and i would like to add an island counter at the middle of the kitchen! (to put all those fruits and sink)

3) my lovely white living room! i must train my child not to become so clumsy and tumpahkan air merate2! if not, im gonna need to change everything to BLACK! HAHA. naughty kid. =p 

but i dont want a white chandelier, it makes everything looks so pale. so buang chandelier tuh, replace it by a brown or gold chandelier, a smaller one! 

4) and lastly, my study area! haha. but i dont like the table lamp for the first picture.

so, now my house is complete! 

now, I AM TAGGING you, who reading this post, do it at your own blog, google some nice furnitures and decide what your future house would be, and let me have the url so i can check it out!

=)

-picture taken from various sites in google, some from country home, ideal home and so on-

Hold ON!

since i have a lot of works to do at this time, the short story will not be updated until next week or next 2 weeks!

sorry for any inconvenience! 

Not All Flowers Smell Nice part 2

it was during winter of my final year in UK when I first had the chance to go skiing in the colossal, beautiful mountain in Edinburgh with some of my college friends. We were so eager, and feeling so adventurous. That weekend was spent doing all those shopping extra-thick trousers, gloves, jacket and some expensive skiing gear. There were me, Hani, Lin, Zed, and Han. We were in the same course in the university and so close to each other. The journey to the mountain is about 6 hours drive. But having 2 guys in the trip made everything easier for us since we got to observe all the alluring scenery of the countryside of Scotland. From afar, we can already see the big mountain with its top covered by the beautiful white snow. If I can freeze that scene in some kind of big poster and put it in my bed, I would. But I wasn’t really rich at that time and have no expensive DSLR with me. only an old-fashioned small Canon camera which definitely produce a vibrant image that worth of nothing that I was ashamed to bring it out myself. Well, I do have my parent to succumb for extra money to buy that DSLR, telling them that all my friends have got one and I ought to possess one for myself. But as an independent girl I was, I thought of 1000 other things that I can buy with that money compared to the DSLR. Plus, Han got this massive DSLR with very expensive lens taking picture of all of us, so I shouldn’t be worried of not getting any nice picture during the trip. But now, since Han is driving, no one is taking the mountain picture.

The 6 hour journey was not really that easy as what we thought. Eventhough its UK, a very developed country with developed world, still, we got lost several times in the road. Han kept missing the junction off the highway so we end up depending again on the GPS for ‘recalculation of the route’. Han was just so absorbed with the beautiful scenery as well. he kept cursing that it wasn’t he whos supposed to be driving but Zed. But they have got their own vote who need to drive at specific time. it wasn’t Han’s best day. Since he kept missing the junction, so he got all extra curse and lashes of harsh words from angry passenger for extra time we need to spend in the car for his lack of focus. We started our journey at 8 in the morning, but reach at the top of mountain at around 4 in the evening since having 3 ladies, we kept stopping at the river alongside the road every 30 minutes just to snap some pictures.

It was a good weather on the next day, eventhough its cold to death. after paying for the entrance fee to the skiing park, we made our way to an intermediate slope. This was not our first time skiing, but it’s the first time we ski in Scotland. My friends and I didn’t spent any second wasting on the flat snow, we rushed up to the mountain by the cable car. There are no words to describe how amazing everything were from the top view of the mountain. There are many more mountain around that, everything is just so white and natural. I took the opportunity to scream out loud at the valley of mountain and everyone just laugh seeing me screaming. So we started our adventure. I cannot deny that I was a bit scared at the beginning, seeing that sloppy slope since I haven’t been skiing for about 6 month due to lots of work in university. Zed and Han went first. They were screaming like crazy when descending the slope. Oh what I shame. Hani and Lin went off and that left me alone on the slope. I was muttering lots of prayer so that Allah will forgive me if I died today, that He will look for my family and also put me in heaven. My hand felt so cold. I close my eyes and count 1, 2, 3. I can feel my scarf flying at my back relentlessly, the cold wind that sweep over my face. I was having a good time when slipping down the slope until suddenly I crashed at the side of the slope and end up rolling myself over and over for I don’t know how long. I felt a stab pain on my back and scream as hard as you can. I was lying there at the side for about 15 minutes. I was hoping someone would see im here in a agonized pain. I was so afraid to move my body since I watched so many action movies that is the last thing I should do to avoid any further injury or broken ribs or anything. I tried to feel my leg but to no avail. I tried to scream help. But I was such early in the morning. There wasn’t lots of people at that time. we were the one so eager to get on to ski so early. I blame Han for suggesting that. Suddenly, to my relief someone heard me and came to my rescue. He was wearing a blue snow cap, a thick scarf to cover part of his face, white snow jacket and green ski pants.

‘are you okay miss?’

‘no im not, obviously. i don’t know, I slip off for about 200m, so I don’t know whether im okay or not. Could you check for me?’

‘don’t worry you are in a good hand, im a doctor, so don’t panic!’

I breathe a sign of relief. Oh thank god, a doctor came to my rescue! He scanned my leg from below to upper thigh, and ask whether I feel pain anywhere. He checked my pulse, breathing rate, my arm and my back for any sign or broken bone or anything. I was flushing when some random guy do that on my body. But duh, its emergency situation, what do you expect him to do?

‘the good news is, you didn’t break anything. But your back might have slight distortion. So I wont suggest you to move your body. Do you mind if I go down for a while to find some help?’

‘oh thankgoodness. Thank you so much. Yes, please find some help fast! Thank you doctor!’

as he was heading off out from my sight, I screamed to him, ‘doctor! What is your name?’

I can see he was smiling at that time. he replied, ‘Adam’. I wonder if he was actually blushing or its just the coldness of the weather that made his face turn red.

That was the first time I lay my eyes on him, a savior of my life, a hero that I respect so much. Starting from that day, our relationship started to blossom. He was at first foundation year in Edinburgh hospital. I was in my final year architectural course in Nottingham. Eventhough he was an extremely busy person at that time, being a foundation year doctor who need to work from 8.30 am to 8.30 pm at night, he made the effort to call me during weekend, asking about how I was doing and my own life. Sometimes he told me story about his patients, the hospital and how many sick people and depressing it was. Usually I enjoy to hear all those stories. When someone is sick, that is the moment when they started to reflect back what have they done with their life, if any of it is worth living, how they can easily neglect the one who they loved most. Its just, maybe when person is sick, they got more time lying on the bed, figuring out what had happened to them back 20 years ago and waiting for death to come greet them. It is amazing how disease and not being normal itself can transform people in a matter of second from a bad person to really good man. I guess it’s the role of the pain itself the play a big role in everything.

When people have with them pain that they cannot bear, they started to beg everyone, even God, to help relief the pain and in turn, they would be willing to give anything for that. its about not being similar to other people, normal, running, screaming, laughing everyday with happiness. its about losing the normality that define what we are everyday. Pain is such a powerful weapon. Adam told me a story about a guy with a terminal cancer where the doctor cannot do anything to help him anymore since it was the last stage cancer. Yet, he still didn’t die after one month but screaming in pain now and then. The doctor has already maximized the amount of morphine they can put in the body. Add a little more would kill his body instantly, so they stop at that amount, but the pain is still there. So the man was left in agony for 24 hours, screaming in pain, crying, shrieking, and sobbing at night for about one month before he died. His body was full of lump of tumor growing around his vein. Its such a painful death. I told Adam to stop telling me that kind of agonizing story. At other time, he told me about an old woman who was in her deathbed but still no one came to visit her and how pity she look like at that time. then he sat beside her to accompany her last breathe in this world. Death is just too near in the hospital. I told him to be careful not to kill any patient and get in trouble. That was the time when he asked me, ‘would you be on my side when I am in my death bed?’

Adam has to wait for about 8 month until I finally graduate from my Architecture school in Nottingham. Our wedding was so extravagant. Adam is not from that super rich business family as what you think. But he is the only son in his family, so they want it to be very special and memorable. Plus Adam is under scholarship from government since he finished his high school until last year. He is a bright student, so he got sponsored to do A level and medicine in UK when he was 18. Those prizes he got for his paper and poster on virus and bacteria from the Immunology and Infection Research Institution really thicken up his bank. The institution is very rich since they keep coming to our university, pursuing the medical student in my university to join their programme during winter. I didn’t even know about them until Adam told me lots of story about how desperate they are to find a treatment for the vigilance of the virus that can rip off your arm in a matter of day.

Our wedding pictures spread widely on the facebook. Lots of people were jealous of me, because I am not really a popular girl in school, but I married someone so prominent. I have never been a popular girl. I am what they said, an invisible girl, where no one would notice my present in a croud. But Adam is different. He is a very bright guy who knows everything about sports especially skiing, always at the top list in volunteer programme list and at the same time excellent in his study as well. People know him for his excellent grade since high school, and because he was the president for Summer Volunteer Programme activity at around the world such as Kenya, Tanzania or Africa. Eventhough I didn’t tell this to lots of people, but I do feel proud that I get to marry him. Somehow, his personality does change me into new person. I do not longer think I am ugly. He never fails to tell me everyday that I am the most beautiful person he ever met. At first, I know he was just being sweet as what normal guy would do to flirt with girl. But eventually, I fall to it. Suddenly, my facebook friends skyrocketed to about one thousand, when before this it was only about 500. I felt like I was in the center of everything.

During the wedding day, Adam bought a dress from London and shipped it to Malaysia. It was an embroidered pink with blue floral long dress with lots of laces at its edge. i refused to wear it and told Adam he was being so ridiculous. That dress is not for me and did not fit my personality at all. I prefer a typical dress with nothing fancy at all. But he, being an Adam, the one who can turn word into power, as usual managed to persuade me into wearing that. I told him, just for 2 hours and then I will change to other less fancy dress. He hired a wedding planner, who apparently used to be his high school friends to make sure that our wedding day is one of the best in the year, and he didn’t fail us at all. Everything is just a dream comes true. Wait, I never have a dream of wedding day like this. Nothing similar to this. My wedding day that I dreamt before this is just at my house, and some of family and friends. Nothing more or less. But this is so enormous size of people flooding the wedding hall making my face blushing red all the time to be the center of attraction for everyone. There are also some of Adam friends from his medical school in London, his colleague from Edinburgh hospital, and some of his coworkers in Immunology and Infection Research Institution. I wonder how come they are so rich to fly here just to attend Adam’s wedding. He said, they were having summer holiday anyway. I wonder how many fractions of people; in that crowd, are actually my real friends. Maybe all of them are Adam’s friends anyway.

2 weeks after the wedding, we were still flooded by endless congratulation post on our facebook wall, people telling how jealous they were with me, how lucky I am, that our wedding was the best wedding of the year, that I was the most prettiest girl they ever seen and all those endless compliments and prayers so we will be a happy couple married ever after and bless with lots of beautiful children. Silently, I hope Allah will hear their prayer, that we will be blessed with children to accompany us in this life. And that is the only thing I am still not getting at this point.

Not All Flowers Smell Nice part 1

i was having this itchiness to write again. so yeah, another short story. enjoy! =p

(this story is not a real story, hanya reka cerita!)

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They said, we will be resurrected after our death. i keep thinking about this since I have a brain to think, which is when I was 6. How come a dead people can wake up again, and talk to God? I was wondering. But my teacher said, its not good to wonder aimlessly about something that even if you have answer, it wont change anything. It wont benefit you, neither does it can harm you. So I let it go. But now, I saw with my own eyes, my beloved cat, Titin, got struck by a big lorry, in a matter of second, its completely gone, except pieces of its meat remaining on the street. It was running toward me, trying to keeping pace with me. I didn’t know it was following me. had I known it, I wont cross the street where cars are passing by with 80km/h speed, which can turn a beautiful, white and fat cat into pieces of nothing. It was nightmare. I spent the rest of the night in sweat and shriek when it came back again in my dream becoming so big and it claim my life for its death. it blame me for that accident. I woke up and cried. Adam tried his best to calm me from the awful nightmare.  I cried on his shoulder. Until I remember that he got a flight early morning to catch tomorrow, so I said I am okay and he need to rest.

I went to the kitchen to fix myself a glass of coffee. In this state of active mind, there is no way I am going back to sleep just to be waken up again by that nightmare. I decided to complete the last painting I was working on last night. I glance at my watch, it was 3.30 a.m. in another 2 hours, I will need to wake Adam so he can get ready for his flight this early morning at 7.30 to London. He said he has a talk that he need to give to bunch of students in University College London. he did asked me if I want to tag along, just to have some shopping or sightseeing. I told him I am sick of London and its coldness. He just laugh it off. I know he’s hoping so I can tag him along since hes going there for about 1 month. Our relationship is not really in ‘green area’ this lately. since the last time I had a miscarriage, everything is just falling apart between the two of us. We rarely talk to each other. Its like 2 stranger sharing the same house. I am in a great depression, and he’s just so busy with his work and who-know-what-he-doing outside there.

After the miscarriage, I refused to resume my life and spent the whole day and night watching TV, crying, and painting useless things. This went on for 2 weeks. I lost about 5 kg since I lose appetite to eat and keep vomiting when I see the sight of food. Adam was so sympathetic and understanding. He knows I need some space and time. Sometimes he cooked dinner for me, sometimes he brought it from restaurant. he cleaned the dishes, sweep the house, make the bed and did the housework dutifully. I was grateful to have him in the house, yet I do not feel like I want to communicate with him at all. Now its been about 2 month. I have resumed my daily activities, but our relationship becoming worse from day to day. Maybe he going to London for one month will be a good time for us to do some reflection, or maybe it will give some time for me to do some reflection about why am I acting like that. There is absolutely nothing wrong with Adam, its just me, really.

It was about 5 month ago, I was on my way in the office to go to an art museum to arrange exhibition for our company when I lose my consciousness and start feeling nausea all the time. I didn’t waste any second to rush to clinic, since I was hoping so much to get myself pregnant since the last 2 years but to no avail, until now.  I was tired of living only the two of us in that big condominium. Its just too silent, and lonely. Adam always at work, and I, spending nearly all day after office time painting. I find joy in painting. More or less, its just the way how I kill the time. when I was painting, I become too absorbed with everything, every single line, brush, dot, and mark. It gives me a lot of satisfaction to focus on very small details like that. That particular day, when the doctor told me I got a positive test, it was one of the most memorable day ever. We spent that night going to dinner to celebrate our future with our future kids. Adam has always wanted a lot of kids in the family, since he said, the more the merrier. but me, even one is more than enough. A daughter who I can teach her about the art of painting after she come back to school. Maybe I can teach her sewing as well. i will sew for her a dozen of dolls and its beautfiul tiny dresses so she can play with it everyday. How lovely.

At the first weekend after the good news, Adam said he wants to throw a celebration party. So he called bunch of his friends, and also some of my friends in office. It was on Sunday. Our house become so brightful with colorful balloons, ribbons, foods, drinks, snacks, sweets and presents for the guest. It was flooded with people. I know, we were kind of exaggerating about everything. Its just, we were hoping so much to get a baby, and when it becomes real, the happiness that we felt deep inside is going to explode unless we distribute it to our family and friends. My sister, Tina brought with her 6 of her children to the party. We cut cakes, play some chair games, deck games, karaoke and Xboxing for the whole Sunday. It was so fun and exciting. The house was left in a terrible mess, but its not big deal compared to the happiness we all shared together.

During the third month of pregnancy, I started to urge Adam to start decorating for our new baby room. We had some argument about what color should we paint the wall of the room, and lastly Adam settled down with my color, which is light blue. He said, I am the one who’s going to carry the baby for 9 month, so I get to choose the color and everything about the baby’s room. I still haven’t know about the gender of the baby, but still I paint the wall blue. The new crib that I bought is solid black color, but it is convertible to become a day bed. I lay a pink mattress inside to add some girlish touch if the baby happen to be a girl. We also bought a new changing tables, dressers to fit in all her clothes, a small dark brown bookcases so I can put collection of books im going to read for her at night before she sleep, and also lots of toys. Adam was a bit shock about how much ive spent for everything, but didn’t make any further comment about that. After all, its our first new baby.

During the fourth month, we were having difficulty finding the name for the baby. Adam wants to name Aisyah if shes a girl, and Danial if hes a boy. I prefer it to be either Natasha or Faris. So we keep arguing for 3 days. It was kind of funny for us to fight about some trivial things like that. Adam really like her daughter to be name as Aisyah, since he said, it’s a name of Prophet beloved wife. He wants his daughter to be great women just like that. I said he is thinking too much. Even if its Natasha, she still can be as great as that. We even consult our parent which one is better name. of course, being my mum, she will definitely choose Aisyah since she said Natasha is a bit of modern name and she doesn’t know any one of Prophet’s sahabiyyat with that kind of name. Lastly, I give up since its not a big deal. Aisyah and Danial sounds okay.

Suddenly Adam whisper to me good morning, waking me up from my ‘morning-dreaming’. He asked whether I still have that terrible nightmare. I said I didn’t go to sleep at all. At promptly 5.30, I sent him off to KLIA for his international flight. At that departure gate, he said to me to take care of myself, that he will call as soon as he arrived there, and he will miss me. I just give him a smile. I watch his expression of sadness, distant and emptiness. Maybe he also think it is a good thing that we got one month to have time for our own and recollect back our strength and spirit. After sending Adam off, I went to near coffee shop to have breakfast. That is when I accidentally met Hani, my old friend back in university 5 years ago. She was my best friend. But I haven’t met her for so long since she decided to stay in Nottingham after her study while I head back to Malaysia. She invited me to her parent house tonight because there will be a Majlis for her coming back to Malaysia for good. Initially I refuse to come since its like a family thing, but she said I am also part of her family and she wants to catch up story with me. so I said, I will come.

At her house that night, there are lots of people flooded the house with fancy and expensive dress. Hani comes from Tengku family. her family is so rich and got this royal blood thingy. There are lines of expensive cars in the front porch of the house. The imam read Doa selawat, and zikir and yasin, and so do i. after that, the guest head to the back of the mansion house for dinner party. I was talking to Hani about her experience back in Nottingham when suddenly someone pat me on my back. It was my old friend in university, again. Of course, what should I expect. Hani is a very popular girl in university, she must have invited all our friends in batch to this welcoming party. It was Zed whos greeting me. he was so surprised to meet me here, since he has lost contact with me since our last graduation day. Actually, to be honest, he was very close with me back 7 years ago. Well, first, we were in same batch, same university, same course, having same passion and alls. We were so close at one time that we can share all stories and problem with each other. So yeah, its just perfect match. We exchange some good story about life, work, social life, family and everything. Zed is not yet married, which is not really surprising since he is known for his ultimate dedication to work. He said he is going to Africa next week and ask if I would like to join him go there doing some volunteer work for poor people. I said I do not want to go since I have work to think of. He said I cant take a leave, and view this as some kind of holiday and break from hectic life. He is very aware that I am in a bit of distress just by looking at my face. Im amazed how good of him at reading my expression eventhough I didn’t tell him anything. maybe its because we have been good friend since high school and share so much things that hes so adapt with the way i think.

It was the second week after Adam went to London. he made that effort to call me every night, asking about my health, life and so on. He also told me how everything is at London, the weather, the people, and also his new groundbreaking discovery about vaccination or whatsoever. I didn’t show any interest in the conversation, so he skipped the call to once every 2 night, and the gap becomes larger. Now he hasn’t called me for 5 days. i don’t know why but I have lost interest about what happen in his life. That vaccination, bacteria, and virus thing he is working on, where it once fascinated me so much that left a gap in my mouth from amusement. now, its just a bunch of junk news that the last thing I want to hear about before I finish my day. That night, I was watching television when my phone ring. I know it must be Adam, no one else. I let the phone ring for a while, and then I pick it up.

‘sweetheart, how are you?’ that excited and eager voice that has been coloring my life for so long, until now.

‘good..what about you?’

‘im great. I bought you a new dress today. Since my coworkers asked me to go accompany her shopping at Debenhams, your favorite shopping place. I hope you will like it. Do you want me to send you the picture?’

‘nah not necessary. But thank you. Adam, im sorry but im so tired. Can we talk later?’

‘why? I miss you so much. It hasn’t been even 5 minute and you want to hang up. Whats happening?’

‘im just tired, Adam. Just don’t push it okay?’

he hanged up. I stare at the phone long and fall asleep.

The next day, I was late to go to office since I forgot to set my alarm. I supposed to have a meeting at 9 in the office where I will be presenting my ideas in slides for our new upcoming project. I blame myself for being so emotional last night after the conversation with Adam. And yes, I blame Adam for even calling me when I said I do not want to talk to him. Now its already 8.45, and it took about 25 minutes to reach the office from my house. I drove my car a bit fast than usual. That’s when suddenly I hit the car in front of me during the morning traffick. The driver in front came out from his car. Oh no, not at this time. I sighed hopelessly.

‘that is a big of wreck you have done at my car you bitch!’ the driver yelled at me and smack my window. Geeze, why do he need to be so aggressive. I stepped out of my car and told him to calm down. As soon as the problem settled, it was already 9.40 when I reached my office. My boss was very unhappy at my late coming eventhough I have explained him thousand times that its because I got into accident. He just wont hear me. he said, im dismiss from the upcoming project due to my lack of discipline for time. I was frustrated. I spent 20 minutes in my office just staring at the clock. I was such in a lot of stress. I need to pay about 20k for that idiot BMW car, and also another 5k to repair my own car. Im not lucky today. I wanted to cry. Im just so tired of living this life everyday, being nag by my own boss, working until 8 pm but still not enough to impress my boss. My coworkers keep sending me bunch of extra works to do. And my own miscarriage and my problem with my husband. Suddenly I got a text message. Oh please la Adam, not at this hour. Then I glanced at my phone and for the first time I smiled in that day. It was Zed, asking me whether im still up for that African trip for the volunteer work thing. so I replied, ‘why not’.

-to be continued